The Glistening Tortoise
est 2023

POLITICS/NEWS Leave voter Kevin Leave lifted his laptop high above his head yesterday and smashed it to smithereens on his kitchen...

Local man ‘Voice Stool’ spent the weekend watching all the Bond films and re-evaluating his previously calcified opinions despite not...

FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL, FOOTBALL Toy Town FC goalkeeper Dale Pace denied local rivals Slagford a late winner on Saturday by running up to...

LOCAL AD Living in a culture with greater emotional, physical, psychological, sociological stressors than ever before? You need a...

NEWS Every single beer belly at the latest INGERLUND! twat-count rippled at the news in the paper that even more things that threaten the...

POLITICS Gurn Bojangles was in the wars again this week at a tedious launch/lunch [where everyone's lunch was launched] hosted by The...

PODCAST OF THE MONTH BANTZ HOUR with Slutter Hoon. Where literally every joke is about paedo’s or murderers. For an hour. © 2023...

TV/CULTURE/NEWS Celebrity Chef Hyke Winky visited a restaurant to taste a new dish for ‘his’ menu and was a complete prick about it. “He...

CULTURE/PODCASTS A man wearing a flat cap despite still being in his thirties has interviewed an ex-violent thug about ‘spirituality’ and...

TV/CULTURE/NEWS A gym goer known locally as ‘GOON’ is to star in his own Reality TV show about his journey to almost being on SAS themed...

SPORTS/FOOTBALL A footballer who hurt his knee in ‘the match’ this afternoon may not be able to play football again for 4 weeks or...

WORLD NEWS President LA NAGE signalled his dominance over his country yesterday by overseeing a yawn inducing military parade to...

Silver haired celebrity tit-burglar Blokey Tedious won a televised drawing contest last night. Pitted against four other people not...

CULTURE/PODCASTS The 300th installment of Dave Doughnut’s ‘I LISTEN ALONG AND GIVE REAL TIME OBJECTIVE FEEDBACK’ goes live on his social...

TV/CULTURE/CHURCHILL CLUB Horatio Portland the historian on first name terms with every single arsehole in the Westminster bubble,...

COMEDY/PODCASTS Neophyte funny man Matt Mongoose’s ground breaking comedy podcast continues to go ‘great guns’ according to him. “I...

CULTURE/THEATRE Actress Viola Temperance today pleads ‘please stop interviewing me!’ The Academy Award winning actresses outburst came...

[ Advertisement ] You’re going to die at some point in the next 108 years but we at Vengeance Funerals are here for you. We know life’s...

POLITICS Local councillor Derek Paintdry launches his campaign to become Prime Minister today with a three hour country walk and pub...

CRIME/LOCAL NEWS TOWN has a new officer on the beat reports Chief Constable Law. "Officer 917, known down the station as ‘Dazza' has been...