‘Adventures In Self-Esteem’

An Interview with Sir Mole Cleethorpes

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you are despised by almost the entire population of Derby…"

"I thought it was the entire population of Derby. It sounds rather like public opinion has shifted in my favour."

"You have no regrets at all?"

"Certainly I have regrets. But none of them concern the people of Derby – of course there are certain battles I’d rather have won, certain people I’d rather have enjoyed the company of but I have no regrets at all regarding what happened."

"You refer of course to the incident in late 1992 when you challenged the whole town to a fight after missing your connecting train at Derby station because.."

"I was in the toilet wanking my cock, yes."

"Indeed."

"Yes well I had been to a conference that day and after rather too much polite conversation I went to the bar three seconds before the final session and decided to get completely and utterly legless."

"And you were the keynote speaker?"

"I was."

"And when the event organiser expressed his disgust you ran out of the room shouting and jumped into a taxi which took you to the train station where eye witness accounts reported a man standing bewildered at the Departures Board and becoming increasingly incoherent and irate and. That man was you."

"Yes."

"And after missing your train you ran to a payphone and called a local newspaper to Derby station where you formally challenged the whole of Derby to a fight?"

"I’m told that’s what happened, yes."

"And some years later I am right in saying that every household in Derby carries a photograph of you with the instruction to punch you on sight without fear of legal censure?"

"Yes I remain proud. I won’t be back in Derby anytime soon and I certainly proved I am not a coward."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."