'Adventures In Self-Esteem'

An Interview With Sir Mole Cleethorpes.

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you’ve been remarkably quiet as of late..”

“Yes. I’ve been thinking, looking at the state of the world and just contemplating really.”

“And what form has this contemplation taken?”

“Well – I’ve been for many long walks in the countryside, I urinated against a tree. I have sat in silence in the privacy of my own home and I continue to enjoy wanking my cock.”

“What conclusions have you drawn, if any?”

“Well I don’t really, I mean I’ve never tried to shove an ironing board into my anus or taken a whole hour to choose a birthday card for a loved one or a relative perhaps and yet I found myself in a newsagents the other day, the proprietor was dancing his usual fandango, trying to sell me various special magazines. I was forthright. I left no room for any possible doubt. I repeated that I was not interested in taking a shower with him or in an exchange of world views with any of the frankly ludicrous figures who frequent his premises. ‘I am simply here to purchase a birthday card for a relative’ I announced. He scuttled away, the air rent with profuse apology and it was only at that moment that I realised I was completely wasting my time as all my relatives are dead – a fact from which I derive daily pleasure and I couldn’t believe it had escaped my mind and I was then approached by the type of absurd local character one finds in a small village, he came over wearing a canary yellow blazer and not much else to ask if I’d like to go dogging with him that evening and I just thought this is just awful. The state of the world.“

“And the invitation to go dogging was of no interest?”

“Why would I want to stand pressed against the passenger side window of a Volkswagen in the rugby club car park with a group of desperate individuals, watching a middle aged man and his lover having sex? One sees enough of one’s wife as it is..”

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so..”

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