'Adventures in Self-Esteem'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, aged sixteen you made the decision to not join the army didn’t you?”

“That’s correct yes. On the morning of my 16th birthday my Father marched into my bedroom in full battledress and bellowed a single command – “UP!” and then took me at gunpoint down to the Army Recruitment Office whereupon I was shoved into a chair with a hot light trained upon me and asked “Are you willing to die for your country?”

“For how long did you consider this?”

“For about 3 seconds. I won’t deny it was difficult. My Father was a very difficult man and having his rifle jammed into my tonsils made a verbal answer rather a challenge and so I weighed it up carefully and I thought to myself ‘would I like to die for the people of this country?’ Having met some of the people of this country, my Father included, my answer could only be NO. Would I die for the country itself? Parts of West Sussex perhaps but not Kettering. And so I motioned for my Father to withdraw his rifle and I replied “NO.”

“How did your Father react?”

“He took his rifle and shot me in the leg. Not fatally of course and after some medical treatment I was back wanking my cock again that evening.”

“And your Father presumably was prosecuted?”

“No. The Army signed him up. In civilian life they said, people take a dim view of those who fire rifles into the legs of defenceless children but not in our neck of the woods. Would you like to enlist and take charge of a group of squaddies and turn them into hard drinking killing machines? My Father immediately fainted and when he came round I received quite a nice letter from a representative of humanity on Planet Earth which informed me my Father was a coward and a thug.”

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so.”

©theglisteningtortoise.com 2023