'ADVENTURES IN SELF-ESTEEM'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you recently listened to an audiobook.”

“That is correct. A very long audiobook. Some of them are very long and very boring. This one was long and very boring so it very much fell into that unfortunate category I’m afraid. Can you get the juice out of a potato do you know?”

“You are asking for a friend?”

“I have one friend. But I’m not asking on his behalf. We are not speaking at the moment.”

“You’ve had a falling out?”

“No. I am not talking to him because I’m talking to you. Come on cunty, get with the programme.”

“Sir Mole, can I come back to you on the potato?”

“You may. Indeed that would be preferable. I could of course google it or something but no. I’m a busy man. I have a pressing engagement with my cock.”

“You will be wanking it?”

“I will be wanking it, yes.”

“Sir Mole, is there anything in particular you would like to say to me today?”

“Yes. Fuck off.”

“I’m sorry..”

“Don’t be sorry. Just fuck off. Get to fuckery.”

“You’d like to say that to me would you?”

“I would like to, yes. The only I reason I wont say that is because I’m a polite man.”

“And a capricious man..”

“You’d be capricious if you’d had my background!”

“Perhaps we ought to re-schedule, Sir Mole?”

“NO! Time is pressing. Ask your questions cunty!”

“Well perhaps we might begin with me asking you the title of the audiobook you are listening to?”

‘Time Runs Out.”

“Who is the book’s author?”

“My father. Sir Reginald Trilby Trombone Cleethorpes. Now dead. He also narrates it.”

“I wasn't aware your father had written a book.”

“My father was aware of it. He made a point of driving 300 miles to knock on my front door to say I’ve written a book. What have you done? He was furious of course. I wasn’t in.”

“Was the book published?”

“It was never made commercially available. More a private enterprise. A collection of my father’s thoughts mainly. Which he verbalises.”

“He presumably attempted to publish the book?”

“He shopped it around, yes. But no one was particularly interested in his thoughts. I’m not particularly interested myself but I can’t wank my cock 24 hours a day. It gets very red and and my hand often resembles a claw. I’ve tried physiotherapy but they just laughed. Very much why I chose to consume the book in audio form. If my father’s book had been published I doubt I could hold it to read it at this stage.”

“The book then summarises the thoughts of your father – now sadly deceased – his thoughts on a long life, a life well lived.”

“A long life but not particularly well lived. Listening to the audiobook I do hear my father’s voice from beyond the grave and it does provide a summary.”

“What conclusions, if any, does he reach?”

“Time Runs Out. That was it in the main. He’d lived a long life – most of which he’d spent waiting for time to allow him to do the things he believed he deserved to do – win The Nobel Peace Prize, write a bestselling book, marry three different women and have all three be none the wiser. That was the one thing he did achieve in fact. One wife in England, one in America, one in Australia. He makes clear in his introductory remarks – if he'd achieved nothing else at least he’d achieved that.”

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so.”

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