'ADVENTURES IN SELF-ESTEEM'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you recently joined The Emperor Palpatine Fan Club..”

“Yes. I’ve become a full patron. £14 a month and access to all the Inter-Galactic evil I can handle.”

“This is Emperor Palpatine, the main villain from the Star Wars film franchise..”

“Sheev Palpatine, yes or Darth Sidious..”

“A man who manipulated the political system of the Galactic Empire until he was named Supreme Chancellor and then Emperor and who then destroyed the Jedi order..”

“And restored the Sith, yes.”

“He’s your hero is he?”

“I wouldn’t say hero but I was at a loose end, seeking direction in life and I thought lets see what this wrinkly arsehole has to offer.”

“Do you feel it wise to insult him?”

“For £14 a month I can do whatever I like and as well as that he’s dead.”

“He's definitely dead is he? Many of us had rather hoped he would be dead at the end of The Return of the Jedi.”

“Well – you can’t underestimate evil.”

“Or greed..”

“Certainly – well its quite a feat to re-animate a long dead story with absolutely no life in it to make even more money – its very difficult to do, as I discovered with three of my marriages.”

“What are you personally gaining from this association, Sir Mole?”

“I have gained a hoodie, a calendar with 12 photos of Palpatine looking very much like a man who’s drunk a bottle of whisky a night for a thousand years – I get a monthly newsletter, he occasionally appears to me in dreams..”

“He has invaded your consciousness?”

“Yes – I believe in an attempt to control it.”

“What form does this control take?”

“He doesn’t give orders – more suggestions, prompts really - to start being properly evil and not the complete amateur he frequently lambasts me for being. I often fail to remember these dreams so he’s taken to appearing at the breakfast table, very much in hologram form, just to remind me of my responsibilities.”

“You haven’t actually done anything evil though have you Sir Mole?”

“I haven’t acted upon his urgings, no. We do have interesting conversations. I say something to him like You’re the personification of evil aren’t you? He answers That’s a matter of opinion. I counter It’s not. Examine the things you’ve done from a moral standpoint. He concedes Fair enough. So I say If you ever do end up ruling the Universe, what are you going to do with all the power? He always says he’d get more power until he owned all the power and he’d then gather an army of followers who obey him without question and he’d wage war, violence and destruction until there was no one left to oppose him and then he’d turn on his followers or they’d turn on him and if he wasn’t destroyed, he’d destroy them – but – inevitably some of them wouldn’t be destroyed and they’d ally together and create their own army and would wage war against Palpatine and there’d be a vast amount more violence, death and destruction – all of which he’d really enjoy – and I often say to him Listen cunty, we all like the lightning bolts. The lightning is impressive but you really are a boring arsehole aren’t you? You could win a Boring Arsehole Competition. In fact I’m going to start a Boring Arsehole Competition and I’m going to enter you into it..”

“Who would you enter as his competition do you think?”

“Voldemort, obviously. My Father. And my former Headmaster.”

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so.”

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