'ADVENTURES IN SELF-ESTEEM'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

'HISTORIES GREATEST TRAGEDIES'

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you simply refuse to be intimidated.."

"I do, yes. I laugh in the face of intimidation, I sneer at the threat of force, I find all who employ it laughable, ludicrous and worthy of the most severe mockery. It might have got the likes of Hitler a certain distance, to the gates of Moscow in fact or at least it got his army there, he famously of course, very much stayed at home, very much in concrete bunkers, in one of which he thankfully shot himself, although why he didn’t think to do that earlier is perhaps one of histories greatest tragedies, how a human being can think of taking the actions he did and not look in the mirror and conclude it would be better for humanity if I shot myself now."

"Well – I suppose the reason that such men don’t do that is they believe their criminal ideas to be entirely correct, they’ve surrounded themselves with people who are also convinced these ideas are correct. How would you yourself have fared in Nazi Germany, Sir Mole? Would you have been cowed? Would you have been dictated to by those with a violent interest in controlling everything you thought, said and did?"

"I have already answered these questions in essay form as part of what passed for my education and I stand by the points I made and the answer I stated."

"And what was your answer?"

"No."

"If some Nazi’s had tried to intimidate you into conforming, you would have resisted? Faced with a totalitarian regime of course, there are limits to what one person can do."

"Yes – it continues to fascinate me in this world there generally exists a majority who don’t want to live under totalitarian regimes and a majority who don’t want wars or violence and yet the minority who do want war and violence often get their way."

"A truism you learned early in life Sir Mole?"

"At School, yes. I hesitate to call my Headmaster the leader of a totalitarian regime – it would be much fairer to call him what he was – a functioning alcoholic and world class paedophile who got his hands all over his pupils as much as he could."

"Your Headmaster who was later forced from the teaching profession.."

"After being forced into it, yes."

"Following an incident of extreme violence in your School.."

"Yes. An incident, led by me, delivering a justice that seems increasingly poetic as I advance in years."

"Might you explain what happened Sir Mole?"

"It was my pal Bunty’s observation late one evening, having returned from the Headmaster’s study red faced, red bottomed and quite rightly enraged that look chaps, there are 1200 of us and only one of him. And so Operation Living Daylights was carried out the next morning."

"Yes - as I understand from press coverage at the time, 1200 boys aged between 12 and 18 rushed the stage during School assembly and beat the Headmaster to a pulp.."

"And then marched 6 miles to the nearest village where the police were called, many boys made statements and that was the end of him. They couldn’t manage to do that with Hitler of course because by a certain stage he essentially owned the police."

"But your Headmaster did share one similarity with Hitler.."

"Three actually – one, he hated to be interrupted, two, he hated books and learning…"

"And three, he shot himself.."

"In his bunker, yes. Though why he hadn’t thought to do that before he’d molested thousands of schoolboys is perhaps one of the greatest tragedies of history."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."

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