'ADVENTURES IN SELF-ESTEEM'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you have lived a life of polite conformity and you have now had enough..."

"It's time to get a cup, fill it with coffee and lift it right up to my nose and inhale that aroma.."

"To smell the coffee?"

"Sniff it. Inhale it. Really get that aroma right up my nose."

"Is it a metaphorical stance you can further develop Sir Mole?"

"Not unless you're prepared to give me a lot of money.."

"When I state that you have lived a life of polite conformity and you have now had enough, I am of course referring to the series of lectures you have been giving on behalf of a prominent financial institution which has links to the powers that be in British society."

"Yes. I've been paid a large amount of money to give these lectures, to which selected members of the public are invited and to whom I deliver certain messages.."

"What particular messages do you impart?"

"Well - i'm offering a precis here of a whole hour's material, but essentially I tell them everythings fine."

"You tell them, if I understand you correctly, that there's no need to panic?"

"Correct. Yes - there's no need to panic. Everything's fine. Your mortgages may have gone up and may indeed go up further, you may have to choose between eating lunch or dinner several days a week but everything's alright so don't rock the boat matey."

"Your words, Sir Mole, intended, in effect, to be a warm comforting blanket?"

"The verbal equivalent of a bottle of whisky, a roaring fire and access to a large plasma screen showing a favourite film or perhaps some internet pornography.."

"I see. And you've lived this life of polite, well paid..."

"Extremely well paid.."

"..Conformity for the past six months and now you've had enough.."

"No. No, no, no, no. No. That's the one part of your statement I must take issue with.."

"So it is the case, Sir Mole, that you haven't had enough? That in fact you can't get enough?"

"Of the money, yes."

"You'll tell your audience whatever you're paid to?"

"I will indeed."

"What of integrity? Principle?"

"What of it?"

"And how have your audience responded?"

"They responded overwhelmingly with mute stupefaction. I often laugh to myself as i'm giving the lecture.."

"A lecture comprised of you saying things you don't actually believe?"

"Yes, my little joke is, these people may as well be a field of cows or indeed sheep, you may in fact get more out of a field of cows and sheep.."

"None of them challenge you on what you say then?"

"I think it would be rather bad form for them to do so wouldn't you say? They've paid to be there, most of their money goes to me and my end of the bargain is to tell them what they want to hear.."

"You're being paid to preserve that status quo?"

"Well - isn't everyone just walking into rooms and saying things? I fail to see what's wrong with my being paid £650,000 to toss off a 15 minute speech."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."

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