'ADVENTURES IN SELF-ESTEEM'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you regularly visit a small market town for recreation, what is it that so attracts you?”

“There’s very much a feeling that a lot of the people there are mildly retarded, don’t know anything and have never been anywhere and I like that. It’s something I can use.”

“In what sort of way?”

“In such a way as I will occupy the best seat in the best café on the High Street and watch people walk past the window and mentally declare victory.”

“Can you more greatly detail your process?”

“Well – people walk past the window and I think things about them in my head. Things such as ‘hello cunty, your life seems pointless’ or ‘whoops you’ve got a wobbly bottom’ or most often I simply think ‘I’m better than you.’ I mean its very much in memory of my schooldays – interminable hours in chapel listening to some wanker attempt to impart a moral outlook, to help those in need, to look out for your fellow man, that every life is valuable and its been my experience sitting in the café window watching this procession of mediocrity parade past, that this isn’t the case.”

“You’re not in favour of helping those in need?”

“They might very well have needs but what about mine? Most people don’t want help anyway – all they want is someone to blame and someone to complain too and I’m a very busy man.”

“Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so.”

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