'ADVENTURES IN SELF-ESTEEM'

SIR MOLE CLEETHORPES IN CONVERSATION

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, we join you mid-way through an anecdote.."

"You do. And at this juncture a little dog came snapping over to me and cocked its leg and I knew at that moment I’d never regain consciousness."

"But you are conscious now Sir Mole."

"I am?"

"You appear before me. Did you have a nice Christmas?"

"I did in 1984 but that was the last time really. Now I have my chauffeur drive my television to Petersfield, making it something of a trek if I want to bother to get it back and I order an enormous food hamper, lock the door, close the curtains and hunker down until April."

"And then you come out swinging?"

"Yes – well one gets rather pent up after a sabbatical like that. One feels full to bursting with new things to say and commanding the public address system at a small suburban railway station offers the perfect opportunity to er, say them."

"You’re referring to the time you barricaded yourself into the ticket office at Henchforth Station and treated commuters to a 69 minute rant last year.."

"Last year, yes. Incredibly fortuitously as it turned out as when the authorities arrived and broke down the door, with it being April 1st, I was able to claim the whole thing was a joke.."

"And yet you were arrested.."

"Yes – but as I said to the chap in the wig in court, I very much respect your authority and the authority of the court but I do not respect anything else."

"You did respect the court.."

"Up to a point yes.."

"Up to the point you were fined £100 and ordered to go away and think very carefully about what you had done.."

"And I did go away thinking very carefully – I remember clearly fixing a look upon my face that I think would have left no one in any doubt that I was giving very serious thought to the matter."

"Whilst muttering fuck off cunty under your breath.."

"Whilst muttering under my breath, yes. But you must understand, the trial had been a moment of great stress for me and I don’t believe the Judge held a grudge – in fact he told me in the pub afterwards, Sir Mole, I am the Judge that never holds a grudge. I laughed. He laughed. We clinked glasses and got completely rat arsed together. A marvellous memory, but time moves on. Next year I’m sure I’ll do something else."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."

"Fuck off."

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