‘Adventures In Self-Esteem’

An Interview with Sir Mole Cleethorpes

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you are a man and you went on Desert Island Discs in 1989 where you were asked outright ‘what luxury item would you take on a desert island?’ and you replied with no hesitation..

I would take my cock."

"Yes. I would take my cock out at hourly intervals and I would transport myself elsewhere. "

"That is to say transport yourself mentally. You would travel somewhere else in your mind?"

"Yes if anything it would give me respite from listening to the same record over and over again.."

"Well as a regular listener familiar with the rules.."

"Yes but who are you or they to make these rules – I’m the one stranded on a desert island – I’LL DO WHAT I BLOODY WELL LIKE!"

"You would play with your penis?"

"I said this in the studio at the time – I am by virtue of the abuse I have suffered, a man obsessed with wanking his cock and leaving me stranded on a desert island at the mercy of an imagination as powerful as mine is just asking for trouble."

"Which was why in the end your episode was never aired?"

"It never graced the airwaves, no. But I do still wank about it."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."