Adventures In Self-Esteem

An Interview With Sir Mole Cleethorpes.

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, you love it don’t you?"

"Yes I do."

"You’re a remarkably positive man."

"I am unfailingly optimistic yes."

"You’re drunk.."

"No. No. I have not been drinking. I’ve simply returned from the Birmingham NEC where I was privileged to spend a day in the company of the world’s foremost success coach and it was absolutely marvellous. I have been positively charged within every cell of my being and I can’t get enough of it."

"You’re referring to your recent meeting with controversial American life coach Stiff Cheeks?"

"Tremendous man."

"And how do you respond to allegations of impropriety which have been made against him?"

"I don’t respond."

"What if I were to hand you this legal document forcing you to do so?"

"Now look. I am not able or willing even, were I to be able, to respond verbally to these allegations of impropriety."

"Perhaps you could respond non-verbally?"

"No."

"Well perhaps I can ask you to report back on your weekend at the Birmingham NEC? What did this entail?"

"Well – first of all, I was herded into a large hall or conference space with 5,000 other people. We took our seats, the lights went down and then amidst the darkness, I felt a hand on my penis."

"Your hand?"

"It was my hand, yes. And as it transpired an extremely attractive young man and extremely attractive young woman appeared onstage in leotards and shouted ‘HELLO WANKERS!’

Being American, ‘wanker’ is a term that Stiff Cheeks finds constantly amusing and as they explained, he had instructed his assistants to address us as ‘wankers’ because it raised his vibration.."

"His vibration?"

"Yes."

"Is that a euphemism?"

"I don’t know."

"So – having insulted his audience who had all parted company with, what…"

"A thousand pounds."

"A thousand pounds each, what did the young man and young woman do next?"

"They started licking each other."

"Having sexual intercourse?"

"They very much built up to that but yes. Fucking."

"Stiff Cheeks does this doesn’t he? He does this."

"Well its part of his process for raising his vibration. The energy, you see, in the room, has to be right. It has to be at the right level. It's about changing people’s lives."

"For the better?"

"Well – yes – one rather hopes for the better, especially after parting with four thousand pounds.."

"Four thousand?"

"Yes – I was fortunate to be able to purchase a VIP ticket with access to the After-Seminar ‘Networking’ event, which also gave me special privileges during the show.."

"What sort of privileges?"

"Well – in layman’s terms, when the young attractives reached the traditional end of their interactions, I was close enough to the stage to be directly affected."

"Good God!"

"And as their joy rained down upon me I thought to myself, how can this get any better? And then Stiff Cheeks himself appeared through a cloud of smoke and told everyone in no uncertain terms You’d better stop wasting your lives because you’re all going to die at which point he thrust both arms into the air, some motivational music played and an assortment of sex toys rained from the ceiling, various drugs were being shared from tongue to tongue and everyone was in a state of profound undress and the next thing I knew I was tied to a tree in a fantasy woodland being pounded by a succession of highly motivated male and female entrepreneurs while Stiff Cheeks himself shouted ‘YOU ARE ASCENDING!’ into my ears and I felt thoroughly transformed and ran immediately back to the Ring Road, directly into heavy traffic determined to tear down the nearest hegemony."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."

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