'Adventures In Self-Esteem'

An Interview With Sir Mole Cleethorpes

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, I would like to ask, if I may, how did your Father parent you?"

"At a distance. Very much at a distance. Geographically, emotionally, with a burgeoning sideline in snide remarks..bullying."

"Could you direct us to anything specific?"

"Yes - I fell off my bike once - into a ditch - inhabited by a small grass snake and rather a lot of nettles.."

"And what was his reaction?"

"He laughed.."

"He didn't attempt to help you at all?"

"No, no, no, no, no and I can be unequivocal about this. It reminds me of the moment he deposited me outside my School and I was very much of a view that I didn't want to go in, the building and it's grounds were a nest of un-regulated predators and I remember him turning to me, in my fear and telling me he had to cycle 8 miles to school, on his first day, through a 'hailstorm of indifference' and that his Father, my Grandfather, gave him no help with anything ever and he very much intended that I have the same experience."

"The same miserable experience?"

"Oh I suppose it's fair enough you know he probably thought why should I be happy when he certainly wasn't.."

"Did things ever improve with your Father?"

"I remember he shook my hand once at Christmas.."

"Did you discern any particular message from this?"

"Well I took it very much as if he were saying I see you're here, we might as well as try and get through it. He eventually lost his mind and didn't know who I was.."

"He had dementia?"

"Something like that yes and I very much trust the Doctor's on this. It was properly diagnosed, I mean, despite his past record I do believe he was seriously ill and not just staying 'on brand.' And I do believe he found a sort of happiness towards the end.."

"How did this manifest?"

"Well I never saw this of course because I had better things to do but reportedly he would unleash these verbal flights of fancy at anyone who would listen, these sort of incredible tales, very close to the end, for example, he claimed to have been the rugby ball used by Gareth Edwards to score the famous 1973 Barbarian's try against the All Blacks. Incredible, really."

"And did you find any sense of peace at your Father's death?"

"I would compare it to the sort of peace that prevailed at the end of the First World War, where violence continued across Europe, in small pockets, only to fully erupt again twenty years later.."

"Sir Mole Cleethorpes, thanks ever so."

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