BOOKS! BOOKS! BOOKS!

NEW BOOKS OUT MATE!

'THINK IT’S JUST KESTRELS' by Face Booblist

CLIMB RINGPIECE has been manoeuvred by his own fantasies of Shakespeare into a situation where he has to host a podcast with arch enemy BARON FONDLE III to save their un-named Planet from being vaporised by some wanker who thinks blowing things up is ever going to work.

Although totally without intelligence, Ringpiece decides the first thing to do is find a name for their planet so everyone knows what they’re fucking talking about and for the next 59 minutes callers phone their suggestions in as Fondle III eats a box of doughnuts with his feet on the desk, till his crotch is coated in sugar, imagining the jam oozing as blood.

Then Ringpiece discovers his knowledge of how to work the livestream camera gives him vast power and he screens footage of Fondle III fondling himself all over when he thinks no one's looking and within minutes he’s a laughing stock. Callers bombard him with ridicule until Ringpiece remembers they’ll all be dead in 3 minutes unless he finds a way to be nice to him.

“Tell me about your childhood” he asks.

“No” Fondle III replies and there’s just time to read out the live Premier League scores before their world explodes and we never find out why they hated each other.

Je mange.

CLUB SANDWICH by Detail Throne

BLAND PROVOCATIVE is not happy. Trapped in an exercise studio for a HITT class that is forever about to start the moment the instructor and its participants stop photographing themselves on their phones.

Provocative mentally projects himself into a happy place where a pint of lager doesn’t cost £7 and he isn’t followed into the gym toilets by dissidents who want to use their yoga class as a front for political ambitions he doesn’t have and install him as an authoritarian gym manager who charges £9 for beans on toast and creates a database of member's genital photos as standard.

“A prophetic account of an encroaching carpet whatever the hell I mean by that..” Tim Melodrama

“A swashbuckling piss..” Laces McFancy

THROUGH ON PENALTIES

The exhilarating tale of a courageous boy who doesn’t want email reminders about Mother’s Day because his mother is an ignorant shit-filled balloon, desperate for him to mentally crumble and a brave girl who luckily had two psychologically healthy parents, who travel together to an extraordinary land called THE FUTURE – a place populated by none of the arsehole behaviours the boy has had to tolerate before.

All he has to do is win this penalty shoot out, mate.

“No need for a penicillin shot before and after your Benidorm stag do if you read this.” Dance Pringle, Head Librarian of his own home based library of books.

©theglisteningtortoise.com 2024