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SONG HEARTBEAT’S HEARTBREAKING NEW NOVEL ‘A BAD THING HAPPENED, IT ALMOST KNOCKED ME FOR SIX MATE.’

REVIEW by ROGER GEESE-KESTREL

Haunted by a fart he once did in a lift, TURNBUCKLE ZANSHIN, protagonist of SONG HEARTBEAT’S new paper-block, locks himself in the spare bedroom, where, mummified in bog roll, he tries to write a song about his trauma – singing the only words that come to mind – Standing on the edge of the cliff, the fart I did a lift in falsetto, over some ethereal piano until the NOTTINGHAM FOREST EUROPEAN CUP WINNING TEAM arrive kipper-tied and flare-trousered outside his house, buttons popping on their 70’s suits, asking through a loudhailer if he wants to hear about their 1979 and 1980 triumphs all over again because there might be someone in the last 45 years that had forgotten it had happened.

TURNBUCKLE’S protestations are treated as a hell yeah as both games are screened on a giant plasma on a truck in the road, the action constantly being paused for more BRIAN CLOUGH anecdotes, recollections, bad impressions until TURNBUCKLE opens the window and shouts ‘STOP LIVING IN THE PAST’ and the 1979/1980 European Cup winning side get back in the truck, start the engine, release the clutch, park one house further along the road and get back on the loudhailer.

TURNBUCKLE makes himself some three bean tomato soup and switches on the news headlines to learn that EVERYTHING YOU’VE ALREADY SEEN ON TV TO BE SHOVED ONSTAGE SAYS UK THEATRE, starting with sitcoms you can quote from memory and have already seen a billion times so theatres can charge you £80 a seat to mainline two hours of nostalgia, beginning with THINK-WANK about comedy masturbator FOAM BASEBALL-CAP, who spent the 1980’s fantasising what his life would be if he imposed a LOUIS X1V-esque structure upon his day – resulting in the sitcom's most famous episode where BASEBALL-CAP is woken that morning at 8:30am by the First Valet de Chambre announcing  “Sire, it’s time to get up” as 100 courtiers stand around watching as he is washed and dressed - resulting in the famous pratfall [to be the centrepiece of the stage show] where BASEBALL-CAP keels over in a wine bar 'cos his necks not used to the weight of the massive SUN KING wig he's togged out in.

Barnstorming.

Roger Geese-Kestrel

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