'JOHNSON TO FUCK YOUR MUM IN BID TO CUT THROUGH..'

Sources close to part-time 'politician' Boris Johnson today claim he is to announce plans to 'Fuck your Mum' in a crude and juvenile bid to further coarsen public life and penetrate the delusion of anyone who thinks he's done a great job and would still vote for him. Until they see sense.

Speaking on behalf of the friends of the odious charlatan, who appears keen to further trash the country for his own aggrandisement, Johnson's 'inner-voice' added "Look. I've tried to get through to the guy, I really have. I keep saying stuff like you really are just deeply unpleasant. Whatever intellect you may have had you utterly wasted and directed in the most appalling way. I hope voters become fully cognisant of the damage you have wrought upon the country. He doesn't want to hear it. He just keeps saying things like can't you pay for this? I haven't got any money."

Johnson will await questions while journalists compete to see who could coin the most original phrase to describe him when they'd be better served using a simple four letter word instead.

Speaking generally in Johnson's defence, Mum and decline enthusiast Joan Jackboot said "He's that funny one isn't he? Oh how I've laughed and laughed! He's been treated terribly - i'm sure nothing he's done was ever his fault. I look forward to him promising to visit and the inevitable disappointment when he doesn't turn up."

Minister for the Prosecution Anglepoise Mince said "I have no comment. He isn't worth mine or anyone else's time."

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