'ENGLAND CRICKET LEGEND FORCED TO NOT PLAY CRICKET FOR ENGLAND ANYMORE.'

Ghost penned autobiography of England cricket legend Pooty Scrambled-Egg is published today if you wanna ride the rollercoaster, mate and hear all about how Pooty played cricket for his country for 20 years – two actual decades, travelling the world and getting out of seeing his in-laws every Christmas – especially Carol, his wife’s step-mum, who is a bell of epic proportions.

‘I WANTED EVERYTHING TO GO MY WAY FOREVER’ reveals Pooty loved playing cricket for England. Growing up at his private school in West Sussex with professional facilities and daily 121 cricket coaching it was all he dreamed of.

Until the day he was summoned to a meeting and told he’d had his time and would never be picked for England again.

Pooty couldn’t speak.

His emotions like helicopter blades whirring.

“Why not?” he eventually demanded.

“Pooty. You’re 45 years old”

“So?”

Head Coach Steve Stevens stared back.

Resolute.

Like he could eat a bowl of gravel.

Or headbutt cement.

‘Twenty years’ Pooty’s inner monologue screamed.

He’d given them everything.

He leapt from the chair, stormed into the street and called his wife.

“WHAT!” she exclaimed, an hour into having her hair done. “Does that mean you’ll actually be at home? Like, all the time?”

She hung up.

Her life was over too.

Pooty’s thoughts hovered over gratitude. Cricket had given him everything. He’d been luckier than 99.9% of people.

Everything comes to an end.

A text arrived from Mick Jagger.

“FFS, that’s all I need!” he screamed as he tore through the city centre in his sponsored Range Rover at an average speed of 22mph, having to stop at every set of lights. ‘If they don’t want me, I’ll set up my own England cricket team’ Pooty’s inner monologue raged. ‘I’ll be Coach and Captain. I’ll set up my own Ashes!”

He deleted the Jagger text and made some calls.

As told to Roger Climb-Down St Peters by Roger Climb-Down St Peters

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