EVERY BOND FILM ‘SHIT’ DECIDES MAN

Local man ‘Voice Stool’ spent the weekend watching all the Bond films and re-evaluating his previously calcified opinions despite not receiving a single request to do this from anyone. The process complete, he will now share these opinions despite a lack of interest in him doing this either.

“I’m not a weirdo” Stool said as he began to run through the actors that have portrayed Bond. “But I can and will tell you now. Pierce Brosnan. Looked the part. Fine actor. Every single Brosnan Bond is shit. Goldeneye. Bungee jump at the start. Fair enough. Rest of it. Shit. Tomorrow Never Dies. Shit. World Is Not Enough. Decent opening sequence. Rest of it. Utter shit. Die Another Day. Prologue of Bond being tortured. Excellent. Rest of it. Shit.

Daniel Craig. Brilliant actor. Every film bar Casino Royale. A parade of traumatised man-boys. Fucking shit. George Lazenby. Surprisingly good. Best story of the series. Connery. Probably good at the time. Now shit. Dalton. Living Daylights. Good. Licence To Kill. Fuck off. I’m not including any Roger Moore’s. Obviously he was the best Bond. Though what the fuck they were doing following Moonraker with the wank that is For Your Eyes Only is beyond me. Now get out of my way – I’ve got an incredible career as a film critic to pursue. How hard can it be? I’ve already bought a pair of irritatingly stupid glasses.”

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