'FINGERBANG ARMAGEDDON'

Local DJ Dave ‘Tunes’ Tune called himself up on his own radio show yesterday morning to say if he was forced to continue hearing Elton John, Phil Collins or Madonna loudly using his upstairs toilet he was going to check himself into a hotel and ‘Fingerbang’ himself ‘until the pips squeaked.’

The 32 year old Tune, now loudly thought to resent the fact he hasn’t been given his own prime time TV show where he can do a live 7 minute segment where he pretends to be best mates with lots of famous people who are more talented than him, is thought to have mentally invited Elton John, Madonna and Phil Collins to stay at his home and after initially being ‘in on the joke’ now actually believes they are resident.

Tune has been forced to kip on the sofa with a Dave Tunes personalised pillow right over his head in order to drown out the sound of them shitting in the toilet. Following his threat of ‘Fingerbang Armageddon’ Tune rang his own show and in the sort of megalomaniac toss you never saw Terry Wogan pull, effected a woman’s voice to pretend to be Madonna and told himself to ‘fuck off’ because he was ‘interrupting her yoga.’ This was followed by the type of grand finale Chris Evans would probably call ‘amazing’ and a total ‘F you’ to the business, where Tune took a call from his mother. Batting away her concerns for his mental wellbeing Tune shouted “MUM! IT’S MY MUM EVERYONE!” before slapping on a bucket hat and retreating to a pub to ‘Recreate the 90’s.’

Tune is expected to be fired live on air in the sort of skit he hopes will kickstart a ‘stratospheric climb to the big time’ – just as soon as they can get him out of the beer garden.

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