“HE HATED EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US”

MEMORIES OF SCHOOL

After famous person Faye Famous’ tearful reminiscence of a former teacher, readers recall their own memories of school.

“Such a tool, such a bellend.” That’s how Famous described her physics teacher at school when asked recently to describe him.

Answering a question onstage from another famous person about who inspired her, Famous said “Definitely not Mr Carpet. I still can’t believe I got off with him at the 6th Form Disco. I mean, I’m an adult now, who the fuck gets off with a 17 year old, at a school disco – he was 36 at the time. Who the fuck does that? And who gets off with a bloke called ‘Mr Carpet?’ Shit, the jokes on me.”

Images of Famous landing a punch when Mr Carpet surprised her onstage, with his 19 year old wife, at The London Decorum have gone viral, sparking debate about the impact teachers can have on the lives of their pupils.

Sedge, 32, a weirdly named barrister who lives in London and wishes he didn’t, said, “People often celebrate the positive effect a particular teacher had – what about the negative effects? 81% of my teachers by my own evaluation were shit.”

Tom, 41, a postal worker who lives in Derby and can therefore easily afford his own house describes the insouciance displayed by his A level Politics teacher. “He’d disappear for what seemed like days at a time, always claiming there’d been an urgent phone call. Years later, I want to remonstrate with him.”

Janine, 46, a dental hygienist from Wakefield who also paid a fair price for her house remembers her drama teacher. “I honestly never met such a prick. He openly hated every single one of us. Every lesson he’d walk into the drama studio and groan oh FFS not you cunts and from there would proceed an hour of misery.

Once, when we were thirteen, we arrived for a drama lesson, and he’d set up this alternate reality in the studio based on what might have happened if Germany had won the Second World War. He’d blacked out the windows, there was a Churchill doll in the corner with a bullet hole in its head and he’d spread this sort of sludge on the floor. He made us applaud as he stood behind a gold lectern and gave a speech explaining that art and culture were dead and that we were all subjugated. Then he made us clean up the sludge and act as if were taking pride in it, while he flicked through a porn mag. I remember Lee Nettle losing it and asking why if we were subjugated, he wasn’t subjugated as well. He just smirked and said he’d made a deal with the Nazi’s. Then he sprayed out even more sludge and made us start again.”

Schooling has obviously changed since the dark days of the 1980’s and 90’s but attitude sings eternal. When Independent schoolboy and member of the current generation Milo Privilege, was asked for a view of his teachers, he said “I feel nothing. Just get me into Oxbridge, my life path of an underwhelming career in high finance is already laid out for me. I can’t wait to be dead.”

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