MAN DECLARED IMPERVIOUS TO SAS SHITE

TV/CULTURE/NEWS

A gym goer known locally as ‘GOON’ is to star in his own Reality TV show about his journey to almost being on SAS themed show: ‘YOU LACK EVERYTHING!’

The series, which begins tonight, will lay bare Goon’s struggle to decide whether or not to apply to the programme before his masculinity licence was revoked.

“Five minutes into my first episode of ‘You Lack Everything’ Goon said, I was watching the DS scream at this guy who was unconscious: “I don’t care if you’re unconscious get up that fucking hill!” Then there was a woman who’d gone on the show to prove she could punch a man in the face and they made them do this boxing exercise in a circle and you had to choose an opponent to fight and the woman deliberately chose the biggest bloke there. He did her a lot of damage to be fair and as I was watching “a little voice in my head started taunting: ‘You could never do that you pussy!’ It was still saying it next morning when I woke up. That’s when I first thought ‘I need to prove myself.’ I went online and applied for the next series.

Six months of weights and running and cycling later I was fitter than anyone else in my pub. Then I got mentally prepared. Every day I’d tell myself “I don’t care what they do. I’ll never give up.” Then one day I was making myself sprint up a hill with bricks on my legs and as I reached the top the SAS guys I’d positioned there in my mind just stood there with their arms crossed, unimpressed. They gave me no feedback whatsoever and that’s when I asked myself: ‘what do I need to prove to four traumatised psychopaths? It's like School PE. All over again. They're just manipulating people!’

I got so mad I applied to the show again, emailing a fake application saying my name was ‘Tony’ and that I’d just come out ‘the nick.’ A producer called within 10 minutes, wanting to know what I’d been ‘banged up’ for. When I told him I was ‘worried I might kill again’ he immediately offered me a place on the show. It’s always the most vulnerable. These people just need counselling or a good night out. Stuff this macho bollocks. I’ve got two kids to raise without damaging them with my own psychic wounds and bullshit. That’s my SAS."

FUCK OFF WITH YOUR SAS! begins tonight.

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