'MICK' - A SHIT-COM

Episode Four Billion and One

Scene 1. EXT. Outside The Kettle. DAY

SOD THE PUNK is flogging his mucky mags in the market. VIV weaves her way round him carrying a bag full of shite. LEESA comes out The Caff.

LEESA Mornin’ Viv. Shag Mick last night?

VIV Yeah.

VIV looks wistful – then disappointed.

LEESA spots RICARDO and ducks behind a bin. RICARDO stops to photograph himself. MICK goes past on one of his jogs and sneers at him.

RICARDO thinks ‘what’s his problem?’ then shrugs, realises he can’t be arsed.

LEESA smiles at VIV

VIV What you so happy about?

LEESA I’m having a meal with Mick tonight.

VIV Oh – how romantic.

LEESA It will be once he’s had therapy.

VIV Is he having some?

LEESA No.

LEESA pulls out her phone and shows her Mick’s latest Dick Pic

VIV takes out her phone, scrolls through her Dick Pic Library, compares the angle of elevation, the date on the photo. Shows LEESA

VIV Yeah. I’ve got that one.

LEESA looks put out. Necks a tablet.

Scene 2. INT. Mick’s Flat. DAY

NICK comes out the bog holding a mucky book he bought off SOD. He shows MICK.

MICK int bothered. NICK sees MICK’s angry about something incredibly tedious and inconsequential.

MICK That Ricardo. He’s walkin round like he’s The Pope or something.

NICK So?

MICK I int havin it.

NICK Havin wot? He int dun nuthin has he?

MICK Don’t tell me wot I can and can’t have in me own flat.

NICK I wasn’t.

For a long moment it looks like they might fight each other -

And then -

They decide they'll save it for Christmas.

MICK gets on the floor and starts doing press ups.

NICK starts cooking sausages.

NICK D’you want a sausage?

MICK Why?

NICK sighs and shrugs.

MICK stands back up and seethes.

MICK D’you think Viv’s seen his cock?

NICK Who?

MICK Ricardo. D’you think he’s shown it her?

NICK Doubt it.

MICK Wot about Leesa?

NICK Don’t do this to yerself Mick.

MICK HOW CAN I NOT? YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE THE THINGS I'M IMAGININ' IN MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. RICARDO. VIV. LISA. DOIN THINGS!

NICK Wot sorta things?

MICK stares at NICK.

NICK gets the picture. It don’t need words. NICK's face reddens.

NICK Yor right Mick! LETS START A WAR!