Peregrine Prick Writes..'

Authorised Column..

All criticism of my ‘Person of the Decade’ Brian Gitt should STOP immediately. He is a brilliant man.

He’s rude, grumpy, miserably unhappy, bad tempered, desperate to be noticed and has an awful lot of money. But then – ha ha ha – just to prove I have a sense of humour – I could be describing myself!

Whilst I have a flair for amplifying and monetising my negative characteristics, BRIAN GITT is without a doubt the biggest business genius on the Planet right now and I will continue to tell everyone he once sent me a text message and that he remains a close, personal friend.

Anyone who criticises Brian, or me, is just jealous of all the powerful celebrities I exchange text messages with and should go back to attempting to live their insipid, unfulfilled life.

I regularly exchange text messages with powerful people and Brian Gitt has not achieved his earth shattering business success through being ‘nice.’

Gitt is undisputably a tough man to work for with a leadership style built around shouting. New employees are reportedly shown induction video footage of Gitt going on an office rampage because someone didn’t switch the coffee machine off at the wall after using it. The video allegedly shows Gitt bellowing at a young male employee until he bursts into tears – before demanding the employee's phone and calling every number in the contacts and bellowing at them also. Each new employee famously asks ‘when was this footage filmed?’ The answer is always ‘yesterday’ and fresh content for these videos is available ‘all the time.’

Gitt is said to possess a high degree of sociopathic characteristics as all staff members who have been punched in ‘fiery' meetings would confirm if they weren’t legally prohibited from doing so by non-disclosure agreements they are forced to sign. By his own admission Gitt ‘has a temper’ and the concept of peaceful co-existence within marriage is completely alien as his four ex-wives would attest, were they not also legally gagged.

Yes, Gitt is mercurial and capricious and can be verbally and physically violent.

Yes, he once punched an employee into a vending machine.

Yes, he made his sales team drink their own urine and then compare it to his.

But look at how much money he's made.

Surely the unhappiness he’s wrought upon people’s lives is outweighed by this astonishing amount of money? Surely provoking shouty confrontations over things as seemingly inconsequential as what colour napkins to have for a buffet lunch is a normal and accepted part of what can be a testing environment?

Some may no doubt argue that this is simply about being responsible for your own emotions and treating people decently, that Gitt should not be allowed to behave that way or should at least employ a person he trusts to help manage his behaviour by pointing out when he is going too far. Argue this if you want but it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it! In my newspaper days I employed ‘Kyle’ an ex-special forces operator, to monitor my interactions with employees. I gave Kyle clear instructions to punch me in the face whenever I was being unacceptably unpleasant and confrontational. He lasted one day, at the end of which both my eyes were black and I looked like a panda!

I don't really believe all the things I think or write in my articles or know why I habitually describe everything that ever happens with the language of war, but conflict is money and that's how I see the world.

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