POLICE TO SOLVE CRIMES

POLICE TO GET INVOLVED IN SOLVING CRIME SAYS CONSTABLE

Police believe criminals who have been indulging in criminal activity could be arrested on a charge of 'breaking the law.'

All but three of the latest locally recorded crimes happened recently in places the police were nowhere near at the time.

PC Peter Constable is determined every item reported stolen will be returned to its rightful owner just as soon as he uncovers the person or persons responsible for stealing his Police uniform, socks, shoes and pants while he was showering following his daily treadmill sprint session to a motivational inner monologue.

"The person or persons responsible for stealing my clothes and leaving my police truncheon lying on a bench wrapped in ham has absolutely no regard for the impact of this could have had on a person lacking my mental strength. I have obviously been the target of a practical joke. Unfortunately there is no CCTV evidence as the incident took place inside the Police Station."

As for the crimewave currently tearing through the local community, Constable said "As soon as I've had a coffee and seen what sandwiches we have in for lunch, i'll be asking members of the public to email me all the information and evidence I need to prosecute any criminal who thinks they can get the better of me."

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