'RIGHT WING THEATRE SHOW SPARKS OUTRAGE!'

Outrage is to slosh through Town's streets today after more than 600 people [601] signed a petition entitled ‘Carly Hitler is not welcome’ to prevent the social media ‘personality’ [who legally changed her surname in an attempt to stand out in a hate-filled market] taking the stage at Codpiece Theatre next month.

The campaign, originated by town resident Bert Banana-Cock with the aim of someone noticing him, addresses the manager of Codpiece Theatre directly. “Dear Cunt,” his statement begins. “We demand you remove the booking of Carly Hitler from your programme of planned events and add it to the list of events that are now not planned, which we further demand you then delete. I believe in free speech and would have sex with democracy but I will not stand alone in my house, at the kitchen sink with no trousers or pants on and the blinds open and the lights on in the hope that someone sees me and not say or do anything.”

The petition’s launch followed four comments on social media about the booking, with one person even responding to a post by the theatre about the event with an angry face emoji.

A counter petition created by Councillor Derek Fuck-Milk of Town Borough Council has received over 8 signatures [9] with several other people rumoured to be strongly considering adding their names. “I regularly drink 4 cans of Fist lager and rub myself against the bins at the back of a now defunct supermarket in a way that feels empowering” Fuck-Milk said before adding “I go to church. I don’t like people who question things.”

Promotional material for the the show, entitled ‘A Swan. A Lake. Dialysis,’ suggest it begins with the social media 'presence' asking audience members to text her a range of ‘controversial' and ‘unpleasant’ opinions which she then walks onstage and says. The remaining hour is padded out with ‘something about mental health,’ her disastrous first marriage to car salesman Darren Arron, who went on to be huge after his third marriage failed and he stopped looking after himself and her ‘inspirational’ recovery from the predictable trauma of her father’s entirely predicable death.

Speaking in defence of the booking, theatre manager Reginald Codpiece [known and loved locally as ‘Recreational Reggie'] said “Fuck off! I’m running a business. If you don’t like the show, don’t buy a ticket.”

Responding to that response, Bert Banana-Cock responded “Yes I have a cock shaped like a yellow, six letter fruit – the question is why no one will even look at me. This petition is a last, desperate attempt to expiate my lust. If this fails I’m contacting the professionals.”

The last word goes to Carly Hitler herself who said when contacted “Where have you been? Why has it taken you so long to contact me? I saw the four comments on social media and the angry face emoji two hours ago. Why haven’t you returned my calls? I demand that you put me in your paper.”

Next week, a high speed rail crash somewhere more exciting. I'll be dead in thirty years.

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