SOMETHING HAPPENED TO ME..

LIFE EXPERIENCE

'I WOKE UP A COMPLETE BARSTAD' by Rotisserie ‘Quick Shag’ McBore

I’ve always been a pleasant man. In 1996 I was voted ‘Most Pleasant Man’ in my home town where everybody else was proudly awful. You would see people openly exchanging spiteful words on the High Street, their minds almost exploding with petty, small minded thoughts and limited horizons. They replied to my smiles with stares. One man cornered me in a pub. “Go and live somewhere else” he ordered. "I’ve lived here all my life” I responded. “Stop smiling then” he hit back. “You look ridiculous.”

I persevered until one day I was hissed at in the supermarket. I decided to immediately develop a medical condition that I made up on the spot. Functional Moral Retardation Disorder is a condition that makes me behave like a total barstad, completely against my will. Sometimes I shout or throw things. I shoved a man face-first into a urinal once and enjoyed it – so it came as no surprise one morning when I propositioned every single male and female in the town’s one coffee shop with the words “Quick shag?”

My life became a whirlwind of snatched and thoroughly un-satisfying sexual encounters in alleyways, disabled toilets and once – in a church confession box whilst covered head to foot in gravy. People I’d known since we were children would ask what had happened to me. “Oh fuck off” I’d snarl before trying to run them over in my car.

It would have been so perfect had my personality shift not provoked massive societal change. In response to me, people now go out of their way to be nice to one another. The town positively throbs with friendly conversation and smiling has gone up 98%. No one wants a 12 second bunk up with me in the coffee shop store cupboard anymore and i’m often forced to go in there on my own and have a wank.

People’s initial outrage has turned to benevolence. A man cornered me in the pub recently and said “be the change you want to see.” "That’s all I need" I told him. "People quoting Gandhi at me."

As told to ’20 miles an hour’ Steve

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