'TODGER TOWN STAR CALLS BULLSHIT..'

FILM NEWS FROM THE AFTERLIFE

Fictional femme fatale FLIB FRAGANT who found fame in 80’s classic action movie TODGER TOWN hits back at everyone involved from her beachfront apartment where film characters go when they die.

“I resent having been created for the film and I resent having been in it” FRAGRANT said of the movie which centres around corrupt bureaucrats smuggling illegal tadpoles into America for the tedious reason it makes them a lot of money they never get to spend because American police turn up with their guns and shoot more bullets at them than they can shoot back.

“It’s the typical treatise on male power and how dumb it is” says FRAGRANT. “My character’s sole purpose was to have sexual intercourse with troubled cop HAIR PECTORALS – I was forced to do this after saying I thought my boss PAUNCH WRINKLEBALD was a really bad man who didn’t deserve to get away with breaking the law. A minute later I was rolling around on HAIR’s bed, with the camera crew shooting tasteful flashes of nipple. When Mr WRINKLEBALD found out he had me murdered – partly in case I’d compromised the tadpole operation but mainly because I’d rejected his sexual advances in an earlier scene – what did he expect? He’s seventy years old. Did he really think an attractive 22-year-old woman would want to bounce on his wrinkly balls? It’s pathetic. I’m furious to be dead. I was just a secretary. I didn’t know anything about the tadpoles – I just printed faxes and made coffee. HAIR PECTORALS can fuck off too. Why did he get me involved? Killing my character just so the audience could feel righteous when my killers were also murdered? So they could think ‘look at the poor, innocent, attractive young woman, caught between two ‘powerful’ men – at least she had sex with HAIR PECTORALS before another man killed her. Fuck them. It wasn’t even a good shag. I wanted to do things with my life. I certainly wanted to be more than a plot device. My character was even called PLOT DEVICE for fucks sake.”

A new gun and car chase free version of TODGER TOWN is available to stream from next month although it will still have plastic explosives and murder in it.

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