TOP DOGS!

TELEVISION REVIEW: TOP-DOGS

Want a feel for what its like being properly ARD? When I say ‘Ard’ I mean, so ARD even every ARD bloke what clocks you up ‘Spoons in town knows ‘not to mess?’ Want to test your mettle against other blokes who are 'numero uno' in their petty little orbit? You don’t do you? It’s fucking infantile. But you’ll watch us send twelve dickheads into the mountains with some ex-Special Forces blokes to see if they’re as Ard as wot they fink. Well done Planet Earth.

This year's TOP DOGS on the TWAT Channel kicked off by introducing us to the candidates. We start with Mason, a meathead lump who definitely takes eight sugars not two. ‘I can ‘ave anyone’ he spits. He’s fresh out the nick and woe betide anyone who ‘messes wiv me.’ Enter ex ‘Special Forces’ Top Dog DANNY DOGGERSON. He got his first tattoo when that actually "fucking meant something" and he won’t take ‘no shit’ from no one, mate. To hammer the message home, he literally makes every recruit soil themselves then run twelve miles through pitch black countryside with a log in their combats while he endlessly bellows I’M THE BIG DOG! till one of them shouts ‘WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?’ Back in camp night has fallen and the candidates sleep the sleep of the grateful after the ‘Ardest’ fucking day of their lives.

Little do they know it ain’t even started.

Imagine a tent with twelve beds and in every bed snores the sort of wanker you’d be a fool to wake up. You’d be taking your life in your hands just poking one of them with a very long stick then running. DANNY is the only one loon enough to do it and do it he does it by waking ‘em with a metal pan and a great big spoon when they’ve been asleep eight minutes.

The tent springs into action. Fists are bunched, brutal invective prepares to transition from thought into words.

‘RIGHT. ANYONE GORRA PROBLEM WIV ME?’ Danny shouts.

They see Danny and think better of it.

‘YOU THINK YOR ARD? PROVE IT!’ Danny orders and so begins the sort of week that’d have you in tears, demanding a glass of Pinot Noir and an hour of ‘me’ time.

Doggerson and the ‘Instructors’ relentlessly drive the recruits, hunting the weak links. ‘Tache’ is caught reading a book. Doggerson throws a portaloo at him till he surrenders. ‘Tache is then marched him onto the Parade Square and forced him to ejaculate onto the book, ludicrously titled: ‘How To Be Ard’ and even more ludicrously, written by Doggerson himself. It’s incredible TV and if you think that’s pushing them to the brink you haven’t seen the half

of it.

For the finale, which some weedy tosser on the production team got carried away and decided to call ‘BEAST DAY, Doggerson ties his own ankles and wrists together then hurls himself off a cliff in his pants. Despite dislocating both shoulders, he refuses to allow himself to be rescued until every recruit has followed him into the icy sea and had a piss in it. Daz, a young software engineer refusing to ‘rebuild his life’ after hitting some bloke with a brick outside a nightclub, 'cos he'd 'had enough mate,' delays the end of the torment by being unable to urinate unless its being livestreamed on his own website – cueing an uncomfortable three minutes of Doggerson treading water and screaming DO IT! at him with unbreakable eye contact while actually holding Daz’s penis. By the time Daz squeezes his eyes shut and finally produces a dribble, three recruits have drowned.

After nightfall recruits are brought in one by one for ‘tactical questioning.’ Reluctant pisser Daz is first to find himself in Doggerson’s crosshairs. ‘WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING DOING HERE YOU SLAG?’ screams the Big Dog.

Daz successfully closes his mind to any emotion until Doggerson’s second in command, ‘Clarky’ creeps from the darkness and rests his flaccid dick on Daz’s shoulder. Daz’s yelps destroy what little credibility he still had and is made to phone every single kid he hated at school and declare himself a wanker. Doggerson’s next target does even worse - Police Officer, Paul, cracks and confesses to having murdered six of the other recruits within the last four minutes.

As Doggerson says, some men just can’t handle the type of environment that’s got him in it. Especially now he inexplicably has some sort of ‘platform.’ I’m drinking a bottle of wine a day till it’s over!

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