'WORLD'S FIRST FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN THEME PUB TO OPEN'

LOCAL NEWS: 'TOWN SELECTED TO TRIAL FIRST OFFICIAL HOOLIGAN PUB'

“TOWN can’t fucking wait for the re-opening of THE PUNCH BOWL booze kettle K’in hell lads its been so long but now its SATURDEEEEE and it’ll be right back open bang in time for the first game at lunch” says Skin, a round ball obsessed local with sod all else to get up for in the morning.

The pub, which is fully kitted out specifically for football hooliganism, is the first of its kind in the world and will be open today only as a trial and evaluated by a group of people who have proven themselves too evolved to be that bothered when other people support a different football team to you.

THE PUNCH BOWL has sugar glass – the type used for stage and screen acting, in all its windows and plastic pint glasses in a bid to limit facial woundings and circular tables made of plasticine to reduce the number of sharp edged surfaces you can bang someone’s head off. The much vaunted ‘Match’ will on the background providing essential context or a ‘reason’ for the violence and the event will be fully ticketed – ensuring only the most committed to football related thuggery turn up. It is hoped this will give attendees the adrenaline rush sadly lacking in the tragi-comedies anyone else would be ashamed to call their lives whilst also forcing them to pay money for the experience.

“I don’t actually anticipate much violence” says Tom Hooperdoop, Head of something for something or other and both the ‘brains’ and ‘heart’ behind the scheme. “Have you seen today’s football hooligans? I’ve watched hours of the stuff on Nude-Lube and never seen one of them land a punch. It’s seems very much a case of two lines of idiots shouting then the sort of pathetic minor scuffle you’d see between a group of Year 9’s at one of Britain’s Great Big Rubbish comprehensives before ALL of them run away again. I’m happy to provide this outlet for the educationally challenged and even more happy to profit from it. There’s limitless entertainment for an intelligent person like me. What have they got? CELEBRITY TWAT WALL?”

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